#187 There’s Weather Again

There’s weather again.

Who knew that the end of your life years could feel never ending the days follow one after another so much alike they form a bland ball of no beginning and no resolve just the forever rolling of one into the other

What choices would any of us have made if we had understood the magnitude of this coming this house by the sea seemed so inviting so full of opportunities of discovery revelation amalgamation the timeless soothing of wave and sound of shifting color of cloud and water an occasional flight pattern of beloved birds who live here in this place where I have come to borrow solace

Instead there was turbulence of an alternate universe flipped during some night dipped into sudden isolation and seemingly irreversible

I find myself sinking under the weight of myself literally and metaphorically my mind struggling with the most mundane parts of living

I wonder if being so alone is itself enough to make this experience so different from those with contact those still with hope those who have careful purpose with fear itself kept at bay by touch and occasional laughter

Whatever this is I somehow agreed to be here during this time although most days I struggle with why that should be

This should not be about limited footsteps or the movement within a few rooms nearly always too cold even in summer when the longing had been for expansion of thought and a move toward wholeness

This is about denial and limitation
this should not be about a physical body wracked with pain movement so arduous sleep only rarely possible when it is oblivion which is longed for

What is this time outside of time this denial of our humanness which takes such comfort in proximity and hugs and smiles when instead we travel in whorls without meaning without direction unintentional emotional detachment

I guess I’ll go feed the birds a marker of time’s passing as another storm has come the hawk will come again today or tomorrow and will feed itself on the birds whom I entice with seed the painful cycle of survival repeating endlessly

If only I could uncover meaning

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